I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
look no pants
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
