i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
