I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
