Jerry, you need to find god
I can text with my tongue
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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