I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
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