bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
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Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
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I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.