I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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