i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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