Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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