So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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