Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
