I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
