i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
