Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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