listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
