At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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