I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
