I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
