i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
