Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
