I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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