Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
