There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
