it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The feeling are messing with the penis
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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