My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
