It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
