I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
