There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
