Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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