If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
