He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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