I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
