I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
