i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
