So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
