We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
