I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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