I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
