Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
