I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
