Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
