Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
