bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
