The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
