i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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