there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
