I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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