You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
