So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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