Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
