Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's no shave November. This is our time.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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