I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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