There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
