It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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