I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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