In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
