I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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