Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this will be a night to untag.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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