Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
