I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
