brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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